I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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