Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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