I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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