He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
