I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
