wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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