3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
