I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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