Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
