ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
