Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
