new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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