Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
