to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
In America we eat man semen.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
