Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The uberlube is also flammable
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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