Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Randomize
