if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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