girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
