two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
