and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
