and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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