so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
...so i touched it.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
