i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
