woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
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vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
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You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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