whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
