ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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