You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
