Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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