I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Randomize
