my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
