fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
