you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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