when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
