Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
