I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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