I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
