Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
