Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
