My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I want a musical about memes.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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