I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
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