I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
