I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
