my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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