my phone needs a breathalizer
are you so shy because you have an std?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize