Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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