My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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