You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You made out with two different species that night
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
