Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
