you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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