i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
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