last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
