So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
