420 ftw
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
