Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
