They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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